Emotional Intelligence in 5 minutes

Emotional intelligence is the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.

Put simply: emotional intelligence is the ability to make emotions work for you, instead of against you.

when we speak about a person’s EQ , we mean their ability to understand emotions and how they work. But the value of that knowledge is limited if it can’t be put to use.

That’s EQ , applied: making emotions work for you, instead of against you.

“I think in many ways, as it turned out , my entire life up to that moment had been a preparation to handle that particular moment,”

The next time you experience a strong emotional reaction, take time afterwards to process not only what you’re feeling, but why. Try to put your feelings into words — the more specific the better. Then, determine what you want to do about the situation.

Our emotions have tremendous impact on our behavior. That’s why self-management, the ability to manage your feelings and control your reactions, is so important. If you’re better able to control your impulses, you can bring your actions into greater harmony with your values.

Take a deep breath and remind yourself that both your mood and that of your communication partner are temporary.

But here’s the thing: nobody’s right all the time. You need others to expose your blind spots, to point out what you’re missing, because that’s how you improve.

Remember that feedback is like a freshly mined diamond: it may not look pretty, but it has great potential for value. Now it’s time to cut and polish, learn, and grow.

No one enjoys being told they’re wrong. But just as it takes skill and insight to see the exquisite beauty in an unpolished diamond, you must look beyond the surface of others’ comments to extract true value. External feedback allows you to see yourself from other perspectives and expose blind spots.

And remember: although we’re generally drawn to like-minded people, it’s those who disagree with us — the ones who call us out, who point out our weaknesses and flaws — who help us grow. Those who challenge us truly make us better.

Today, you’ll get different definitions for empathy, depending on who you ask. But most would agree to some variation of the following: empathy is the ability to understand and share the thoughts or feelings of another.

First and foremost, remember that the goal of empathy is to help you better understand others and their emotional needs — but not at the expense of your own. If you’ve ever been on an airplane, you know the rule: secure your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others.

When you treat others as interesting, you ask questions — not in an invasive or nosy way, but out of curiosity. Where are you from? Where did you grow up? Where have you been? Those are three variations of one simple question that could lead to hours of potential conversation. “If you aspire to be a good conversationalist,” advised Carnegie, “be an attentive listene r.. .. Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.” Carnegie’s advice was valuable when he penned it, but it’s even more relevant today because the rise of modern technology has reduced most attention spans.

When you endeavor to understand why another person thinks and feels the way they do, they become naturally intrigued about you. As a by-product, they are more open to hear and consider your thoughts and opinions — even if they disagree with them. Treating others as interesting keeps them at the forefront, and, ironically, makes you the person everyone loves to be around. Because who doesn’t enjoy talking about themselves?

When attempting to persuade or convince, it’s important to first find something upon which you both agree. It helps to view your counterpart as a partner or ally instead of an enemy.

The greatest teachers are masters of repetition. Just think of how many times your parents had to tell you the same thing before you really got it. Or pay attention to how great orators periodically repeat a key phrase,

Martin Luther King Jr.’s masterful use of that single phrase “I have a dream” is a great example. And then there’s the classic presentation advice: Tell your audience what you’re going to tell them. Then tell them. Then tell them what you told them.

“A life lived without failure is not success, it’s mediocrity,”

Our lives depend on our relationships with others. From the moment we’re born, we rely on others to help raise us, nurture us, care for us. No matter how independent or self-reliant we become, we will always accomplish more with the help of others.

you are in control of your emotional reactions. Emotions like anger and fear can cause major damage — especially if you rush to judgment before learning the facts. Once you are emotionally attached to your beliefs, it becomes more difficult to remain objective. That’s why you must continue to use your ability to think — together with your emotions — to make sure your beliefs are based on truth. To be clear, my goal isn’t to encourage undue suspicion or to paint a picture of you versus the world.

Emotions can cause us to make a split-second decision, with consequences that will follow us for the rest of our lives. At times, they make us feel like we’re stuck in a black hole with no way out — even if in the eyes of the rest of the world we’ve got it made.

There’s no lifetime certification for EQ . Just as a musician who doesn’t practice will soon become rusty, neglecting self-reflection and perspective-taking will cause you to lose your abilities over time. It’s often when you feel that you’ve “mastered” a facet of emotional intelligence that you’ll make your greatest mistakes. But it’s how you handle those mistakes that will determine how emotionally intelligent you truly are. At these times, moments of reflection and practice will yield surprising insights and “aha” moments that can change you for the better, if you let them.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned through the years, it’s this: we are all far more alike than we are different. The differences simply give us a chance to learn.

Emotional intelligence begins by learning to ask the right questions, like the following: What are my emotional strengths? What are my emotional weaknesses? How would I describe my communication style? How would others describe it? How does my current mood affect my thoughts and decision-making? In what situations do I find that emotions work against me? Pondering questions like those will help you build self-awareness, which will yield valuable insights that can be used to your advantage.

The pause is as simple as taking a moment to stop and think before you act or speak. But beware: while easy in theory, it’s difficult in practice. Don’t expect perfection. Practice consistently, and the pause will prevent embarrassment and could save countless relationships.

Humans crave sincere praise and acknowledgment. When you express appreciation for others, you satisfy that craving — and build trust in the process. Remember, everyone deserves commendation for something. By focusing on the good in others, and then specifically telling them what you appreciate, you inspire them to be the best version of themselves.

Authentic people share their true thoughts and feelings with others. They know not everyone will agree with them and that this is okay. They also realize that they aren’t perfect, but they’re willing to show those imperfections because they know everyone else has them, too. Authenticity doesn’t mean sharing everything about yourself, with everyone, all of the time. It does mean saying what you mean, meaning what you say, and sticking to your values and principles above all else.

When you experience a negative situation, you may not have much control over your feelings. But by focusing on your thoughts, you can control your reaction to those feelings. When you focus on your thinking, you resist becoming a slave to your emotions. Instead, acknowledge those feelings and then move forward in a way that’s in harmony with your goals and values.

Never underestimate the power of emotions for good, nor their potential to harm. And always strive to make emotions work for you, instead of against you.

Note that everything here are my highlights from Emotional Intelligence book.